956

5:43 PM

**I am going to talk about my brother's passing, it will probably be a very long elaborate post, so if you wish to skip through, it is totally okay, but letting this out always helps me feel better.**

Friday Morning, April 7, 2014 / 5:51am - 6:15am
I wake up at 5:51a.m to the lights going out, very confused I look outside to see if it's raining, but there's no sign of any rain, I also look out for my brother's silver camero, because I had an ugly gut feeling that something happened to him. . I always had this connection with him, and knew when something bad happened to him (like the 2x he got arrested and put in jail). I didn't see his car and this worried me a bit, because within a couple of seconds the lights went back on, then a little bit later I heard sirens, so I knew it was something accident related. I told myself, it was nothing and I had about another 15 mins until my alarm clock went off, so I should get rest, because I had work at 6:30. Unable to fall asleep, I go shower and start getting ready for work, with a bad feeling in my gut. 

Friday Morning, April 7, 2014 / midnight - 5:51am
Let's go back a bit before I woke up. I had a dream of my brother this night before I woke up, but it didn't make sense to me until I found out what was happening. 
I dreamt that I was on one side of a fence, with a bunch of people (silhouettes, I couldn't see faces in my dream), but we were all watching the other side of the fence, which is where my brother Eric was and he was walking toward a bright white light, so, so, bright. I didn't understand why we were just watching him, and we were all just looking and I was the only one walking through people trying to get my brothers attention. .but he just kept walking and walking toward the bright light... I guess you can say I saw my brother go to heaven if you believe in that stuff. Immediately after this dream I awoke to the lights going out, which is when my brother's car collided with the light pole. 

Friday Morning, April 7, 2014 / 6:15am - 7:30am
I'm ready to go to work at Moonbeans where my shift begins at 6:30am... as I take off from my house at 6:15am, immediately I turn out of my neighborhood and see police lights, and a police car blocking the street. I was happy because I wanted to put this gut feeling away and tell myself it was nothing bad. As I pull up to the scene, there is my brother's car being towed. . . I didn't think anything yet, except, "oh, maybe he hit the pole and is in jail", I stop by to talk to the police, and tell him that the camero is my brothers..with a semi shocked/confused face, he tells me to hold on and goes to talk to another cop, who then they come walking to my car together.. They ask who my brother is and I tell them Eric Davila. . I describe him, and they tell me to wait again. . . another man comes and I repeat myself, this last man, then tells me there's been an accident, one man was identified the other is a "John Doe".. he tells me to go home, and they'll follow behind me, to warn my mom that there wasn't good news. . . 
I'm not sure how I drove him, because I was confused, but immediately called my boss Dusty and told her the situation, she was so kind about it, and told me not to worry, my shift would be covered. I sat in my car for about 2 minutes and cried, I wasn't sure what to expect at all or what happened. I dry my eyes to not freak my mom out, and walk to her restroom where she was getting ready for work. I hear her jamming to country music, and slowly open her door. I tell her to lower her music, and that something happened to Eric, her reaction was, "oh, great, is he in jail again?!" I say no, just get dressed please, ( with a probably worried face) then she sternly says, Sarah tell me now, what happened, I go there was an accident. She quickly put clothes on and as I was walking to the living room I see the cops arrive. Three cops come walking to the door and I let them in our living room, my mom ran out and as she saw them walking in, her face dropped, and I think she knew what was going on.

Friday Morning, April 7, 2014 / 7:30am - 12:00pm
The cops told my mom to sit down and showed us my brother's ID, my mom identified that yes, that was her son, and the cop tells us there was an accident, my brother didn't make it, and a friend who was with him is now in the hospital in critical condition. My mom didn't even hesitate to start crying, my younger brother confronted her, and started crying to, I teared up, but realized I had to think for my mom while she was clearly unwell. She yells at me to call my dad, and I quickly get my phone to call him. I call my dad 4x, who doesn't answer, then call his girlfriend who picks up pretty quickly and tell her to put my dad on the phone, I'm sure she knew something was wrong cause I couldn't hold back the tears. I tell my dad Eric was in a car accident, and he asks, "Well, where is he?" I tell my dad he didn't make it..
I've never heard my dad cry in pain so loud.. ever. My, then, 22 years of living I had never seen my dad cry .. ever! He said he'd come over. I then call my mom's best friend, and her boss to tell her she couldn't come in. By the time I knew it, it was 9am and people were flooding through my houses front door. Bringing us pastries, cleaning up our house, and giving us so much love. My family started to arrive to, and we've never held each other so tightly, I've never seen my Welo (my dad's dad) cry in my life either. My mom stayed in her room on her bed, with my dad by her side, and everyone would go hug her and give her their condolences. My brother's friends started coming as well, and soon my house was packed with people. My mom would occasionally start crying really loud for my brother, but I was in the kitchen with my boyfriend and everyone else. I felt I had to keep my head sane, because not everyone else was. 

Friday Afternoon, April 7, 2014 / 12:00pm - the night
  Around lunch time Elias took me out to get a sandwich, although I wasn't hungry, I thought getting out of the house would clear my head. It amazed me how my families world was on PAUSE and there the world went, continuing on, going about their day, while I felt like I wanted to say, "wait! calm down, I'm not ready to move on" I looked at everything as, man my brother isn't going to experience this anymore. I know death happens everyday, but man, when it happens to you, you think, "I'm SURE no one has gone through this, I'm am damn sure" Although we know people experience it everyday. It just hurts more when it's unexpected and you can't say bye. I get back home, and more people are at my house, and I go to my room, and am in confusion, and not sure if this is all real. This is when the "why" started coming in. Why my brother? Was he not going to live a successful life? Was he not going to finish school? Why did God need him already? I then remembered my dream and told Elias about it, and I started crying and crying, cause I realized I saw him going, I got the privilege to get to see MY brother go to heaven (does that happen often??). 

Friday - Monday
The weekend consisted of people at our house everyday and a lot of comforting.

Monday or Tuesday
I can't remember the exact day anymore, but one of these day, it was time to see my brother's body. I've never experienced such pain or torture to see your loved one laying there lifelessly. I wanted to see his body of course because it helps tremendously with "closure" but my goodness, it hurts so bad. My parents were allowed to go first and alone, then me and my brother were allowed along with my parents. As soon as I walked into the room and saw my brother laying on the bed or whatever it is, I started hyperventilating, I couldn't catch my breath and tears came out of my eyes uncontrollably. Wow, there he is, he's just asleep isn't he? wake up Eric, com'mon. You look like you're just asleep! My brother's mouth was closed, but he had a smirk on his face, which was incredibly weird, but he sure was a little punk. He was cold, but of course he was also already hollowed out. As my mom said, "he is just a pretty shell". I think about it everyday and man, to see your loved one's lifeless body is literally the worst thing in the world. I can't think of anything more painful. After alone time with my family, my two grandma's came in as well.

Wednesday or Thursday?
I can't remember but then it was time for my brother's service. We cremated him, but during the service we had his body in a casket so he could be there with everyone. People flooded the church with family, friends, and former teachers/coaches. After the services, we got to see my brother one more time, before he was off to get cremated. At this day, he wasn't my brother anymore, his body/face were turning grey and he didn't look like my brother anymore. It was the worse to see his body going. Incredibly harsh. 

Now
Although I don't speak about it as much or post about it, these moments are with me EVERYDAY and hit me and any moment of the day, whether it's an ambulance driving down the street, those sirens remind me of that horrid morning and make me feel a little uneasy. I saw a funeral going by me one day, and bursted into tears. Little things remind me daily, but this is with me everyday unfortunately. I like to talk about it often to relieve the feeling of it being bottled up. I've thought about counseling, but I know how to deal with my emotions. 

thanks for reading
xx

956

Fall Inspiration: Grace Kelly

11:25 PM

Today I went to Barnes & Nobles for a little "me time", to look through magazines while drinking a coffee. All day today we've had men working on remodeling our house, so my ears were in dire need of some peace and quiet due to them hearing a machine break through concrete all day! There was the magazine 'Style Watch' and it was like a "then and now" edition. It compared celebrity fashion icons of the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's & 70's and compared them to a star dressing like them in today's generation. I came across my love for Grace Kelly, of course we all know her as a classic fashion icon, but it made me inspired for fall! Although here in the valley, we won't experience a drop in temperatures until about October, but I'm so inspired to vamp up my wardrobe already to get ready for the next season!

Pearls
Pearls are timeless, and can always be used, definitely a must wear on my Fall list.


Cardigans
I'm a big fan of cardigans to begin with all year around since I normally don't like to show off my arms, but with a collared shirt, makes it such a structured and professional look.


Menswear
I'm digging this look so much for fall, chunky belts + collared blouses . . . easy to put together and looks like you spent forever putting a great outfit together.


Tweed
Tweed print is always in during winter time, especially in jackets! But what about sneaking it in a season early for Fall and rocking it on a nice skirt.


Simple Sunnies
I always love a timeless brown frame with a little cheetah print when the sun hits.


Red Lip
The perfect statement for any girl


xx