On Death.

11:06 PM

After you lose someone close to you, your mindset isn't ever quite the same. You don't feel as happy as you once were, or you feel a little deprived of something, although you don't know exactly what, something seems to be missing. Obviously, what's missing is what's gone, but you never realized how important that missing piece was in your life when you had it.
It's still hard to think that my brother is actually gone, like gone, not here anymore, I won't ever see him again. It's hard to grasp that, it's hard to imagine his life has stopped, it almost feels unfair to keep going when he didn't get to experience so much. You feel selfish for being able to keep living and experience all their is to experience in life, while your loved one can't. Although I'm sure Heaven is much better than this Earth, it's hard to know when you're down here, and he's up there, with no communication whatsoever. 
Sometimes I feel hatred towards others, their lives seem to be so fulfilled and enjoyed, while tragedy struck my family, it feels unfair and makes you question "why?". Although I know death happens a million times a day, and many people go through this, it's new to me, and I'm sure other people feel exactly as I do. 
Everyday, the morning of March 7, 2014 replays in my head at some point throughout the day. I can still remember everything, every little detail, every moment, every feeling, every word spoken. Most of the time I start to feel conflicted right after and want to just drop what I'm doing and go back home and lay on my bed, I guess that's where I feel the safest, but I have to brush off my memory, and make myself strong, to keep going throughout the day. That's something I've learned about life: you have to be strong in every possible aspect. You have to be strong mentally, physically, and emotionally, that's what gets you through life, in my opinion. You just have to keep going.
My life will probably not ever be normal again, I look at things differently now, and see life as a delicate thing, it can be taken away far too easily. I feel I've become stronger, and my problems seem so small and simple compared to what I've gone through...nothing can ever compare to the death of a sibling, especially a young one. Think about it, nothing, not your sleepless night of studying, or your exam that is 100 questions long, not your boyfriend braking up with you, or how ___ is so hard. Nothing is harder than losing someone or something that has so much meaning to your life, and it's sad, because no one can realized this until they go through it.
Everyone mourns differently, some people take only days, others, months, some years, while others never get over it, it relentlessly lives with them for their lives. Some people need to talk about it, while others wish to never see a photo again or speak the name of the missing loved one again. I feel it still haunts me, sometime I feel I have no one to talk about this topic with because it's been half a year now, and although I mask it quite well and don't show my emotions, it eats at me everyday piece by piece, and sometimes I feel so helpless. I feel the need to want to talk about it again with someone, but I also feel I'd burden them with this sad story. 
Although I hate having to be one to have been chosen to go through the death of a young loved one, I also feel blessed, not everyone goes through this around you of losing a young sibling. I would love to help people if they have to ever go through this unfortunate event, give them help, advice, and comfort. I'm here if you need me, and I can fill in gaps I wish would've helped me or use ways that did help me. Don't take nothing for granted.
xx


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